The “Hot Mess Guarantee”
I’ve found it is easier to be an excellent friend during good times, when family members are well, when there are no complicated family or work crises unfolding. However, as I’m entering my “crone” stage of life, I've come to realize that there is always a crisis of some kind brewing for most of us.
When I was deep in a depressive episode during the pandemic, an entire day could pass and I wouldn’t get off the couch. I listlessly consumed TV. When my partner would come home from work to find me still in my bathrobe, I’d whisper “Today was not a good day”.
During that painful period, my friend, Kitt, reached out often; did I want to go on a walk, do a craft project together, did I need help around the house? Often, she’d simply show up at my house, offering an hour of her time on small home improvement projects, sometimes she'd linger for half a day. Many times, she'd appear at my door and recognize that I didn’t have the wherewithal to know what I needed. She’d survey the landscape and start washing dishes - a seamless gesture of support - no muss, no fuss.
Kitt’s actions made it easier to ask for help when I needed it the next time. In my mind, we share an unspoken Hot Mess Guarantee. Nothing is too scary or or overwhelming that we can’t deal with it together. Just. Show. Up. No. Matter. What.
As I’ve joined various support communities to help me heal, I’ve cited Kitt as a living example of how to be a good friend to someone in crisis, how to offer help when your people are facing their worst. At various points in my journey, I’ve been alternately shaky, determined, ashamed, overwhelmed - truly a hot mess, embodying many wild inconsistencies without a clear path forward. I’ve discovered that good friends are capable of sitting in that discomfort, facing the unknown with me. My true friends’ actions and words speak volumes: “I see you. I notice your pain (I’ll even absorb some of it for you). I stand with you. I’ve got you.”
This year, I’m embracing the concept that “La Vida es Dolor” (Life is Pain). I recognize that pain everywhere, yet I hold the duality that deep pain, fear and worry can co-exist with pleasure, joy and responsible hope.
Moving forward, I commit to extending my Hot Mess Guarantee to the people I care about the most. Who in your life would benefit from you showing up and offering them your version of the Hot Mess Guarantee?
Art by Megan Devine
